We all have been hurt. We all have a memory that evokes negative feelings. Some have more then others. As you are learning, I have many. The goal is healing. The goal is growth. We can not grow if we continue to hold on to what makes us feel less than in this world. As you read my posts you join me on a journey to letting go.
In college, numerous men wanted to entertain a relationship with me in secret. Immature men date based on what their friends are attracted to and not what they really like. Because of this, I was to tell nobody of our interactions. God forbid their boys knew they liked women with large stomachs and flat butts. What a bad thing it would be to admit they liked a plus size woman who did not have the hour glass shape. How terrible it would be for anyone to know they lay next to the same type of woman their peers bullied in grade school.
The self hate from a childhood of bullying just continued to grow as I learned what it felt like to be somebody’s everything for a few hours and return to nobody soon after. Claiming other women, they made me out to be a crazy woman who had made up the relationship in my head. They lied until everyone around them believed that I was in this one sided relationship for no reason. How depressing it felt to be denied in public on numerous occasions. Thank God for this journey of self love. I am finally able to see that I am not the problem. I know that I deserve love. I deserve to be seen as somebody. I deserve to be claimed in public and private.
What if we wrote the people who caused us pain a letter? What would it look like? Writing to the pain has been a way for me to determine if I am in a place of hurt or in a place of healing. I have been holding off on writing to this part of my life because I was not ready to let go of the feeling of victim from these men. I wanted to continue to hold on to the pain in order to remind myself to not let it happen again. But, today, I am ready. The comments and feedback from my last post inspired me to finally write an open letter to the men who kept me a secret in order to keep their image. I am ready to let go. I am ready to heal. The following letter will be uneditied and truly from the heart; my heart; my healing heart.
Dear Secret Lover,
Some days I hate you. Most days I miss you. Well, I miss the brief moments with you. I miss the moments that I felt like I was important to someone. I miss the moments that I thought you would change and no longer care about what anybody thought about you being attracted to a woman like me. You hurt me. You made me feel like I was not good enough. Maybe it was me that made myself feel like I was not good enough in order to not search for better. That woman you laughed with behind closed doors always cried when you left. She was dealing with so many negative labels, and you took advantage of that. I forgive you for her. I will never entertain another you but in no way do I feel negatively about how you treated the low self esteem me. In no way am I blaming you for the entire situationship we had. There were plenty times I played a major part in continued communication, but it is time to let you go. It is time to let the memories of you go. It is time to let the feelings of inadequecy go. You were just as much a bully as the people who called me fat and made fun of me, but I forgive you. I am dope and beautiful. I am kind and caring. I am going to be some man’s everything. Thank you for allowing me to learn the feeling of being a man’s nothing until he wanted something.
Maybe you do not need to write a letter like mine. Maybe your struggle is completely different. Maybe your hurt is from a family member. Maybe your hurt is from a friend. Maybe your hurt is from self. Regardless of where your hurt lies, as you continue this journey of growth, write to the pain and assess where you are with it. Write numerous letters to it until you feel you can let it go.
Happiness and healing requires work but YOU CAN DO THIS! You are the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Show yourself that you appreciate you!
Continue to follow me on this journey inspired family. Provide me with feedback. We are in this together!
Whatever you are struggling with, you don’t have to go through it alone. A lifeline is available 24/7 at 1800-273-TALK (8255).