Wow I can not believe that I am writing my first blog back on the East Coast. In many ways my move to LA was me running. I was running from my feelings of un fulfillment and depression. I was running away from my feelings of somehow being responsible for my sibling’s medical diagnosis. I was running away from the people who heard me say I didn’t want to live on a night that involved too much alcohol. The people in LA will not know my struggles. The people in LA will not know anything that happened before them.
Well, let me be the first to tell you if nobody else has, you can not run from your past. Healing does not happen when we avoid what we need to heal from. We can not get to a place of true happiness when we act as if there was nothing that made us unhappy. My experience in LA was BEAUTIFUL. I healed from much of what I did not want to deal with, but I had to deal with it. I had to face my internal fears and struggles. I had to do it isolated from all family and friends. I would not suggest this for everyone, I definitely did things the hard way and without my main support systems. The point, though, is that I did it. Everything hit me as soon as I got on the plane headed to a coast I had not even visited before. Everything hit when I realized it would be a while before I got to give my mommy a hug or my brother lock the dog in my room while I am sleeping and start running so she barks. My best friend’s houses where no longer driving distance. I walked off that plane and quickly into what I now see is my purpose.
When I got to LA, I was taking pain killers. I would take them to escape reality and not have to deal with all my psychological stressors. One night I woke up and flushed them all down the toilet. I wanted to be present for the new experience. I longed to feel again. I was becoming way too numb. Once I was back in reality, the healing began immediately. The beauty of California. The ability to walk to the roof of my luxury apartment and see all that God had created. Moments of taking deep breaths into the RIGHT NOW of my life and see that things were not that bad. I am living. My family is living. I found true happiness in these moments. The times when I did not focus on my past or worry about the what ifs of my future. The moments I now call my “back to reality” moments.
My dear healers, a good friend of mine said that depression happens when we dwell on our past and/or worry about our future. But, when we take a moment and come back to our right now and focus on where we currently are, we can fight those feelings. Man. When I tell you I wanted to shout in that moment! She is so right. So maybe what you are going through right now, today, this moment, while you are reading this, is not ideal. Maybe you just lost your job. Maybe you lost a family member. Maybe someone you love is in pain and there is nothing that you can do about it. But, just take a moment and not include all that you have already been through and what you fear you will have to endure in a future that you can not predict. When was the last time you laughed? You woke up this morning. You can read these words. Someone loves you. I love you! Your life holds value. Your life has meaning. In those moments that you feel like you don’t want to spend another day enduring the hardships of life please try to have a “back to reality moment.” Do not let the past pain stop you from reaching your current promise. Everything you are currently going through you are equipped for!
I believe that I have gone through so much pain and hurt for this exact moment. I had to deal with being teased and bullied my entire life to be able to birth a blog that can help others heal. My journey has not been for myself. I have had to battle depression so that you could read this and not only know that you are not alone, but to know you too can make it! I celebrate a full year since my last suicidal ideation. In that year, most people can describe me as happy and full of life. Nobody knew that I was not coping well with my past and had extreme anxiety about my future. So much that I did not want to deal with either any more. But, with therapy and going as drastic as moving across the country all alone, I am here. I want to be here.
Whatever you are struggling with, you don’t have to go through alone. A lifeline is available 24/7 at 1800-273-TALK (8255).