This blog is bigger than me. My story is one of millions that can inspire and resonate with us all. I have decided to share my platform to allow others healing to tell their stories of trial and triumph.
My greatest fear would have to be telling my story and being judged. I guess I have to have a mind that says, “Who cares if they judge? Only God can do that.” Plus, my story could help someone else. I look at my past and realize I am a VICTOR and not a “victim.” In order to move past all of the hurt I have to forgive the people who hurt me, the people who I hurt and let it go to be able to move forward. That is the only way I believe I can heal from it all. Instead of trying to avoid a problem I just tackle it head on.
My most vivid childhood memory would have to be my connection with my father. I remember longing for his attention and love, but not receiving it because in his mind he was providing for me by giving me money here and there. I remember seeing all of my friends during Donuts with Dad days in elementary school and wishing my dad was there. It could probably tie in with my biggest failure because I gave a lot of my time trying to get him to see I needed more than just money, but a true dad and daughter bond. It burned me out to the point now I don’t really talk to him much. My biggest failure would have to be caring for others and not taking the time to care for myself. I think I give a lot of myself to people and after I end up burnt out.
I have been depressed before and it isn’t a fun feeling at all. Anxiety, stress, panic attacks, not eating, just wanting to sleep all day etc. I was abused by someone I thought cared about me. I remember the day before it happened I went to go visit family and had a great time. When I came back home he took his children home and then called to ask if I wanted any food. I kind of felt uneasy then but I still said sure. When he came back we ate the food and then I asked him to take me to the store. He did, but when we came back he questioned “Why did you decided to go see your family?,” “Why did you want to go and see them?” etc. I told him because I missed my family and wanted to see them. He wasn’t as close with his family like I was. *Red flag I’m sure your saying.*…So he still was persistent in asking the same question differently and because I wanted to avoid an argument I got out of the car and proceeded to go into the apartment. When we got in I started setting up the table to make my wig and watch the horse race. He, on the other hand, was in the kitchen making a drink and still asking questions. Still carrying on while he went to the bedroom, I told him since he doesn’t believe me then I’ll call my mom. As I reached for my phone on the counter, he attacked me from behind. He pushed me to the ground, pulled my hair, pulled my jumper and continued to hit me with his hands. At that moment I felt like a lifeless rag doll who just wanted it to end. I kept screaming, covering my face to not get a black eye and trying hard to get to the door. I just prayed please get to the door. While he was still pulling me he hit me real hard in my ear which caused bleeding and ringing. I finally got to the door and opened it. My dog ran out and a man was standing right there. Mr. Coward saw him and saw that I had dropped my phone so he hurried to pick it up and ran back in the apartment to lock the door. The man had went down with me to go and get my dog and asked did I want to call someone. Not having my phone I didn’t know who to call. I was in shock, traumatized, scared and afraid. He suggested 911 and I’m glad he did. He took me away from the building and as we were walking, Mr. Coward yelled from the balcony, “F you B and I don’t care who you tell.” The police came and the EMTs did as well to check me out. I’m forever grateful for that man being outside the door and helping me instead if being a bystander. It was that day where I got strength to leave and get away. I am in a great space right now where I am doing a lot of self care. Prayer, counseling, writing and reading have all played a big role in me not feeling depressed anymore.
If I could go back and say anything to the me moments after being attacked, I would tell her, “You are strong baby and you did it!” He wasn’t able to get away with it this time.
I landed a job in my field one month after I left my job that wasn’t in my field at all. I had come out of that horrible situation and the thoughts of leaving my job and having no income or benefits was tough. I remember applying to so many jobs and my heart was just set on this one that I knew I probably wasn’t qualified for because I had no experience. Lol… I took a leap of faith, ended up being the last person to be interviewed and I was called the next day. I think it was a sign from God letting me know that I was ready to step in my purpose. This year so far I’ve recognized self-care is important and I will choose to do just that.
To whoever is reading this and finds my story relatable I would like to tell you that you will get through this! It’s not easy at all, but you will have the strength, the power and God on your side to get you through. Naturally because you’re a woman, you are strong and you are a SURVIVOR. You have to keep pushing and keep creating the life you see for yourself. I have faith in you and know you will come out a VICTOR!
If you or someone you know is struggling with domestic violence you do not have to suffer in silence. You are deserving of the kind of love that heals instead of harms. May this post give you encouragement and the strength to reach out to trained advocates available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE.
Happy Healing inspired family.