I sat there. Waiting. I’m not sure what I was even waiting for. I know for a fact it was not your warm embrace. I am use to you seeing me undeserving of that. But, I was waiting for my answers. I was waiting for my reasons. I surely had to have reasons why I continued to pour, even when my glass became empty. I gave every drop to you. I poured my all into them; into it. I was left empty. I was left thirsting. The thirst made me restart the cycle, looking for new vices to give my 100% to in hopes that these, this, or that would finally give me 100% back. Even being aware that what I need, I HAVE, I kept searching. I refuse to keep searching. Today, I stop searching.
I remember the first time my mom called me a “people pleaser”, I was pissed. I really did not see what she was talking about because everyone has to like me. There is no way that these people are using me or that their intentions do not mirror mine. I know I put in the most effort, but they care about me so they have to deserve it. If I do not spend my last dollar on them they will not stay around and I have to keep them around! They make me equally as happy right? Oh no? …oh. Well, I mean I have to keep going now this is their expectations of me and I care so much about what they think about me! But my mom is wrong, she is just wrong. Mannnnnn SIS WAS RIGHT (mom I know you are going to read this lol I love you!). I have poured into so many people that do not deserve my energy!!! I am set apart. The calling on my life really does bless all those who become connected. My energy is contagious and my vibe really is unmatched. Those who have interacted with me on a personal level can really tell you that they leave my presence having gained something from the interaction. The question is what do I gain? Why is it that I watch every man I have ever dated literally level up spiritually and emotionally and I remained empty and frustrated? Relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are about exchange of energy, thoughts, values, knowledge, etc. Any exchange that leaves the other person having gained with nothing in return is not healthy (unless it is a mentor-mentee/teacher-student situation). I call it an unfair exchange.
Mr. Krabs was on to something yall. He did not share that secret formula with ANYONE, even the loyal. He knew how valuable it was. So did others! He bet on himself man lol and there is such a big lesson in this, especially for my single friends. You got the sauce sis! You got the sauce bro! Let me tell you something, the person you are dating knows it! They know how valuable you are! If they are not doing everything to protect it, RUN!!!! Protect your sauce like it is your multi million dollar business (because it kind of is if you think about it). People will really come for your sauce and be confused if you are unwilling to share it with them while showing no interest in being sure that you are taken care of as well .
One guy I was talking to use to tell me every single time we had an interaction that it was something about me, my energy, that he just could not get enough of. He told me that he knew one day he would call me and I would have a boyfriend and then list every single reason why. I watched as he started seeing a therapist. He moved from his little tiny bedroom he was renting into a full apartment. He got a new job. I mean homeboy was flourishing. He called me every step of the way and we had long conversations and I would pour into him hope. I told him how much I believed in him. I really supported him so much. But, I have NOTHING to show from it except for learning that he knew I was girlfriend material, but for someone else. This man did not steal my secret formula, I willingly gave it to him, like I have done so many.
If you are anything like me, I want you to realize the beauty in these exchanges. They may be unfair and they may leave you feeling empty temporarily, but you have this amazing way of always bouncing back. Your resilience has been proven by where you are in this moment at this time. That person on the receiving end of your dopeness only had access to it as long as you allowed. Your access to your power, though is ENDLESS. You have the ability to recharge yourself and every time you walk away from what does not serve you, you walk towards your manifestations. Choose today to look inward into your light. Find that thing that attracts folk to you like bugs to a lamp if you do not already know what it is and LOVE ON THAT SHIT!!! Most importantly be kind to yourself! I wanted to beat myself up, but I just refuse to speak negativity to myself anymore. It is difficult to determine what it is someone wants from us when all we want is to feel wanted but if our needs are not being met we must acknowledge that we are far too valuable to just let ourselves be used. Even the most expensive bag can get worn out if it is constantly used and not properly taken care of.
You are the bag. Take care of yourself and ONLY share ya sauce with those who are willing to take care of you too. Only exchange yourself when the return is equal; when the return is fair.
Love & Light,